Things I’ve Learned in My Late 30s, Episode 14,610: “The One Where Abigail Turns Forty”
Ahhhhh. I’ve looked forward to this chapter for a bit now. There’s something refreshing and healing about closing a chapter and opening another. And a changing of a decade feels so very chapter-changing-like. The last few years I’ve enjoyed sharing the lessons I’ve been learning on the reinvention and growth journey that has been my late 30s. So in celebration of fresh journal pages, here’s the lessons that have stuck most of all…
Don’t be fearful of endings. All beginnings can only begin right after something else has ceased to be. It’s the natural order of things and nature is nothing to be afraid of..
You will eventually figure out which people are really WITH and FOR you. You’ll also figure out which ones are around simply because they are being served by you and your efforts. When the difference reveals itself, respond accordingly. You were made to thrive in reciprocal relationship, not pour yourself dry.
It takes zero dollars and minimal effort to be a kind human. Kindness begets kindness. If you are kind, kindness will find you. If you’re surrounded by kindness, kindness will more readily flow from you. We love full circle queens and kings.
An empathy revival could save the world. Empathy doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but empathy CAN be cultivated in everyone.
Therapy isn’t scary and everyone definitely needs it. Full stop.
It’s better to be perceived as being quiet than to be known for running your mouth. Those that care to get to know you will quickly tune into that part of your character and your reputation will proceed you.
When you find the helpers, protect the helpers. At all costs. They’re a special breed and prone to being taken advantage of.
Be the student, never the expert. There is always something to learn.
Every single time you have to deal with something hard or frustrating, try to consider it character development. Sometimes the perspective shift helps.
If they don’t soothe your nervous system, they’re not your people. And that’s okay to admit.
If it doesn’t spark joy, whatever it is, you are allowed to question its priority in your life and respond accordingly.
Be the adult you needed in your corner as a child. Whether you’re a parent now or not. Because everyone needs safe, healthy, encouraging adult advocates on their team.
It’s acceptable to be skeptical. We now live in an era where you quite literally can’t believe everything you hear or see. Learn to investigate your way to the truth.
Freedom of religion is only freedom if it’s accessible and equitable for everyone. By advocating for your neighbor’s freedom, you are helping secure your own.
Your neighbor is everyone. Everywhere. All the time. Not just the folks who look like you, speak like you or live like you.
Everyone should have access to good healthcare. Anyone who says otherwise is an elitist and elitism has never positively impacted the world.
Career politics shouldn’t be a thing.
When selecting a new audiobook, always go with one narrated by a Hollywood celebrity. I don’t care the genre. I don’t can’t if it’s their book or it’s not. Trust me. Your ears and brain will thank you. *turns Tom Hanks back on*
There will be seasons in which so much good will be happening to you…while simultaneously so much hard and overwhelming will be happening as well. It is possible for both to exist in the same time and space. And it is okay if in the face of so much good you are sad, overwhelmed, etc. You get to feel what you feel.
Spiritual health does not always directly correlate with religious depth. Let me say that again… your religious depth/knowledge does not equate to spiritual health. Don’t confuse the two.
There will be spaces occupied by people you know who feel safe… but those spaces do not feel safe to you. Your feelings are valid and your soul and body know. Be where complete safety is.
Collaboration helps communities thrive. Avoid the people who try to recreate the wheel. Look for the people who hold out their offerings in their hands and look for other people with complimentary offerings. Those are the people who make it happen. Whatever it is.
The world would be a darker place if the artists and poets and music makers and culture bearers didn’t exist. Support them however you can.
Parents supporting neurodivergent children need support… and that support can look so different family to family. Be their village and you’ll never know what it’s like to not be valued and appreciated.
Everyone deserves the experience of true life partnership and preference. If you don’t have that in your personal life, you’re allowed to do what it takes to get that. Even if it means starting over.
Perfectionism is overrated. And I say this as a recovering perfectionist. Good is good enough.
Trust your gut. Some folks talk about intuition. In the church world they call it “discernment”. Here is what I know… your inner self will always look out for you. You just have to learn to listen.
Not everyone will like you… no matter how great you aim to be. That’s okay. As long as you are being the best human you can be, that’s on them.
No is a complete sentence. And healthy, healing adults don’t have to over explain themselves.
Live a mindful, intentional life. Whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it means more self-care. Maybe it means more outward care. Whatever it means to you, do that.
Travel as often as you can. Even if it’s just a couple hours away. A change of location is a great way to refresh your perspective.
Define and honor your personal policies. As we grow and age, our tolerance for certain things - be it in your personal and/or professional life - will change. You get to set the standard.
Manage your expectations. Don’t do the thing where you start daydreaming and build up the things to impossible heights. Being a dreamer is all well and good… but every dream needs a little dose of realism.
Closure comes in different ways, but it always comes. And closure doesn’t always happen the way you might want or even the way you feel you need. Sometimes closure really is time. Sometimes it's lots of therapy and therapeutic practices. Other times it's simply the lack of accountability, the lack of honesty, the lack of care, the lack of self-awareness, the lack of respect, the lack of apology, the lack of doing the right thing. Whatever it may be, working toward finding closure is important when trying to close chapters and move forward. Don’t let the actions of others live rent free in your mind.
No response is always a response, my friend. Recognize and move on.
Boundaries aren’t an excuse to not deal with situations or people. Boundaries are a tool in rectification, reparation and repair. Boundaries mean work. That doesn’t mean the work always pans out. But boundaries can mean we tried.
Limit your toxic intake. Don’t gossip, don’t listen to gossip, try not to be a complainer, be mindful about what you consume (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc.)
Access is privilege. Be mindful about who has access to you. It’s acceptable to have circles of influence and access outside of your inner circle. Remember: quality over quantity.
Motherhood is really, really hard. Single or in partnership. And if you’re having a hard time mothering, that doesn’t make you a bad Mama. It makes you a real Mama. Give yourself grace. Apologize freely. Love fiercely. You’re doing a good job.
You deserve your kindness. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.
Goodbye, 30s. It was nice knowing ya.
Hello, 40s. I’m really happy to meet you.
✌🏻
