The Strong-Willed Child
This morning I work to the news of the passing of the evangelical parenting movement’s own James Dobson. Though an entire generation has actively been doing the work to undo the “work” he started, his passing truly feels like the end of an era… and a renewed hope.
As always, my form of processing is writing… so here are my thoughts…
They told us
bend the will,
break it if you have to.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
A battle of wills,
and only one can win.
We grew up
learning love as control,
obedience as holiness,
fear as respect.
We were told
God demanded it,
and our parents
were His enforcers.
But let me tell you—
fear doesn’t raise fruit,
fear only grows silence.
And silence sits heavy in your chest
long after childhood ends.
We became a generation
that knew how to hide,
how to perform,
how to fold our bodies into
yes ma’ams and no sirs,
while the rage bubbled underneath.
A generation that confused
being broken
with being good.
But something happened.
We got older.
We found our voices.
We compared scars and realized
they all looked the same.
We saw through the theology
that dressed up abuse
in Sunday best.
We started saying words like
trauma.
consent.
boundaries.
healing.
And now,
as parents, as teachers,
as neighbors,
we are writing new books.
Ones that say:
strong will is not sin,
it is spirit.
Stubbornness is survival.
The child who talks back
is learning to speak up.
We are raising children
who are not afraid of us,
but safe with us.
We are raising children
who know love is not conditional,
that worth cannot be beaten out,
that dignity does not need to be earned.
So no,
we will not pass down
the teachings of James Dobson.
We will not baptize control as care.
We will not confuse obedience
with belonging.
We are a generation of cycle-breakers,
of soft voices and fierce love,
and we are proof
that healing is possible.
That the strong-willed child
was never the problem.
The problem
was the fear of strength.
And we—
we are done being afraid.
