Five Things I Was Taught About Divorce in the Evangelical Church - And Why They Were Wrong
When I was growing up in my evangelical homeschool home and community, divorce was spoken of in hushed tones. Unless the speaking was coming from the pulpit. People whispered about “broken homes” and “moral failures,” - pastors railed against the sins of abandonment, breaking covenant, adultery for those who remarried… and I internalized it all. By the time I walked through my own divorce, after attempting to leave once before, I wasn’t just grieving the end of a marriage and my plan for family life - I was battling the theology that told me I was damaged goods.
Here are five of the most common teachings I absorbed in my former evangelical spaces - and the reasons I no longer believe them:
“God hates divorce.”
This obscure verse from Malachi (2:16) was repeated endlessly, usually without context. What no one told me was that the original text is debated, and even if translated that way, it speaks to God’s hatred of violence and betrayal, not a divine loathing for people who have to leave unsafe or unsustainable marriages. God does not hate you for choosing to survive.“Divorce disqualifies you from ministry.”
Growing up, I heard pastors talk as though divorce was the one unforgivable stain. During my first separation from my now former spouse, I had church leaders and members call and text me to tell me that if I didn’t repent and return to my now former spouse, I was making God’s calling on my life null and void. Yet the Bible is full of leaders who failed spectacularly - adulterers, murderers, doubters - and still carried out meaningful callings. And they weren’t even folks walk away from toxic marriages as an act of self-protection. Divorce is not a disqualification. It’s a human experience.“You’ll never be whole again.”
This lie cuts deep, because it assumes your wholeness was dependent on another person and on a legal status. I’ve learned instead that healing comes in layers, and wholeness is found in the slow, ongoing process of becoming who God created you to be.“Your kids will be ruined.”
Divorce is undeniably hard on families, but the idea that children can only thrive in a two-parent, married household is simply not true. What kids need most is safety, love, and stability - not a forced version of family that erases their reality. They need examples of healing, wholeness and strength - not examples of submitting oneself to toxic behavior for the sake of optics.“Divorce means you failed.”
The truth? Sometimes the most courageous, faithful choice you can make is to end what is no longer healthy. Staying in harm’s way is not a badge of honor; leaving can be an act of survival and even sacred defiance.
I share these not to stir up debates, but to bear witness: if you’ve been told these same things, you’re not alone - and you are not broken.
If you’ve carried any of these messages, I’d love to hear what you’ve learned to replace them with. What “truer stories” are setting you free?
All of my life I’d heard with my ears “Marriage is forever, only parted by death. Never let the word ‘divorce’ be part of your vocabulary”. I had seen with my eyes, the generations before me — the women — endure MUCH (which I now realize was only the tip of the iceberg). Even when I felt God release me from my vows and I “stepped away” — divorce was never my goal. Five years later my (adult) children told me I should go ahead and file for divorce. Still, I was hesitant, fearful. I knew God knew I’d done everything He’d required of me. I knew He loved me more than He hated divorce. I was employed by a Christian business. What would the CEO think? I was assured he would not look down on me, I would not lose my job. I didn’t want to disappoint my grandmother — who was deceased! She was a devoted Christian and had endured MUCH in 64 years of marriage, had “scriptural reasons” many times to leave. My aunt assured me Grandmother wouldn’t be disappointed in me — she’d be proud of me for having the courage to leave. So, I filed, signed all the papers, did all the things, chose to be in court that day, I wanted to HEAR the judge when he pounded his gavel and spoke — I thought surely my hearing was off. I asked my attorney “Did he just say ‘Divorce is granted as PRAYED for’”? I had never prayed for a divorce. I had prayed for everything else though — for sobriety, for healing, for reconciliation, for redemption, for my family to be made whole again. 7 years after I’d “stepped away” and 2 months before our 36th anniversary a divorce was granted. Maybe that step had to come first and the other would follow — yet in different forms.